HOW TO CURE AGITATION: FOR DUMMIES

People do weird stuff. Period.

I myself am not immune. I entered a pizza eating competition and chundered in-front of hundreds of people after 1.5 slices, that’s weird.

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I’m the loser with the “1′ above their head.

But it’s when that weird stuff people do becomes annoying and you feel your blood starting to curdle and the vain in your forehead begins protruding, and oh my god you know you need to get control of yourself because god forbid you lose the plot over your co-worker sniffing.

From one dummy to another, I have created a step by step plan on how to get that agitation under control.

Step 1: Roll your eyes.
This really helps relieve tension. The longer the eye roll, the more relieved you will feel.

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Step 2: Punch something.
Key word here: something. Not someone. If you want to keep friends and avoid jail, try not to punch another human. Also make sure that the something you punch isn’t going to agitate you even more. I.e don’t punch a wall. Go for something soft, like a pillow. It’ll make you feel stupid but you’ll end up laughing, and agitation will be a forgotten emotion.

Step 3: Curse under your breath.
I don’t think I need to spell out how to do this appropriately. If you need step by step instructions, maybe avoid this altogether.

Step 4: Leave.
If you’re at work, leave. Get in your car and drive away. You don’t need negativity in your life. However, if you do want to keep your job, maybe leave the immediate environment for a few minutes and grab yourself some coffee. You obviously need it.

Step 5: Breathe.
Insightful right? While this step may cause more agitation in the interim, in that the instructions appear obvious, focus on your imaginary trip to Hawaii and then you’ll be as relaxed as a seal on the beach.

Step 6: Dance.
Who cares if the timing isn’t appropriate, you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. Better to look like an idiot for good reason than an idiot because you’re agitated over someone sniffing their nose too loudly. 100% recommend having a jiggle to you can’t stop the beat by Hairspray or I just can’t wait to be King by the Lion King.

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Step 7: Create scenarios in your head.
Instead of showing people the real, psycho you, replay potential scenarios in your head of you confronting whatever is annoying you and come to an internal resolution. For example, your wifi has been cut off and you’re aggravated that you couldn’t post that really cute selfie that took you 45 minutes, 5 different locations and 102 shots to get. Imagine all your friends coming up to you in person and saying “like”, that’ll make you feel weird and put things in perspective.

Step 8: Don’t listen to anything I have just said.
I don’t know anything. I’m just a random on the internet who thinks they’re qualified to make a list and tell people what they should do.

E. x

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